Friday, November 30, 2007

End of the World!

Or at least the end of the whole blog til ya die thing.

Shout outs to TJ, who only went a little crazy. K, a lot crazy, but she's small, and crazy don't scale that well with her. Kinda like an imp in a raid. Things doan go well if it gets noticed...

And to Rats... sorry guy, I gotta use you as the measure of the things all horde should be. At least for a certain horde that perpetually falls short...

And the bear. Cuz I agree with Steven Colbert... they are a damn menace, and should be put down. Maj was running EotS last night... and the combat log looked like

Feral friggin cat druid does way too much damage to you with a ridiculously overpowered attack

Feral friggin cat druid finishes yo squishie ass off

Feral friggin cat druid notices you rez

Feral friggin cat druid turns into feral friggin bear with extra points in "stun mage until you cry like a little girl" talent

You have been stunned. Here comes the druid pain...


So anyway... the end of the world post, and my most annoying stalker... Ken.

Ken once got written up for cyber stalking a girl. See... the girl's ex-boyfriend told Ken he could "have" her. So he sent her some emails demanding a meeting, she freaked, he got written up. (this was a work kinda thing...)

So he gets it into his head that the chick has to be smoking hot. Cuz a non smoking hot chick would WANT the attention, right? So he gets the location of her parking spot... and waits for her...

He doan go up to her... and she doan know what he looks like. All does is follow her around for a coupla hours, across town and into a walmart, and around the aisles til he decided she really wasn't hot, and was just giving herself airs.

Ken needed a woman.

I gotta explain the Smiley situation. There was a guy named Mr. Smiley who used to haunt my store/neighborhood. He was called that because all day long, he would hang out at the street corner, smile a really really diseased smile, and wave at people.

And he'd get pissed and throw bricks sometimes if they didn't wave back.

When I say creepy smile... think the joker's victims...

And he smelt really really bad. Cuz he didnt bathe... just hung out in the heat of south louisiana, waving at cars all day.

Luckily, I didn't see him much cuz he was pretty diurnal, and I worked nights. A small mercy. Anyway... one day I had to cover a shift... and Smiley came in with his woman... they were working a con that I really haven't the time to explain. But they needed an envelope...

So later, Ken comes through... and I tell him bout smiley and his woman.

"Smiley has a woman? What the hell? How can *I* be without, while the mentally and hygenically handicapped get some?"

So Ken gets it into his head that he just needs to lower his standards... and he succeeds. He got his own woman. He bought her.

Where do you go in America to buy a woman? Ken went to the county jail and paid bail for one. An alchoholic on her 3rd dui who was about to get evicted. So she moved in with him... and everything seemed to work. Strange.

She had it rough sometimes tho... Ken got really religious... strange religious... he started observing the sabbat... from friday night through saturday he refused work... including buying things... and he wouldn't give her money for beer during this time.

But no, this story is about Ken and the end of the world. First... ya need to know that Ken was working on his doctorate in astrophysics. I doan know why you need to know this... but it seems important...

Second, he used to teach at a public high school. He got laid off for some weird reason. I say weird because it apparently had nothing to do with his inordinate sexual attraction to his female students.

Third... he was up all night long. Listening to weird radio programs. And one night...

You gotta understand. I worked six friggin nights a week. The seventh, I'd get school work done (I always had a dozen papers due...) and then drink myself to sleep. So... one night off, I get awoken from a drunken slumber by a loud pounding at my door....

It was Ken.

"Dude... what the hell are you doing here? How did you find out where I live?"

"They told me at the store... what are we gonna do?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"On the radio... right now... they said that the russians faked their own collapse, and even now are smuggling nukes into the country to destroy us!"

OMFG. Can you even imagine how long it took to talk him down? And this was before 9/11. THAT EVENT drove him over the edge. I even got contacted by the FBI, who were investigating Ken's reports on his arab neighbors....

(I really doan have the time or sense of humor about it to poperly tell the story of the "truck bomb thing..." which was a lot more innovative back then before Iraq made it kinda commonplace...)

But anyway... my most annoying stalker... who got my address to come warn me about an impending russian nuclear attack in the middle of the night.

BTW... there was another Ken. He worked at another location of my c-store's chain. He was so erratic that the cops nicknamed him Lucifer.

He disappeared after, well... See, he was working at the store cuz he needed a job. He had no place to live, so the store manager let him crash at his place. Ken freaked out and disappeared after accusing the store manager of drugging and raping him. Now the manager in question, Tony, worked 80 hours a week, and drank non stop. Tony couldn't sexually molest his own hand, let alone Ken. (Tony died a year later from a massive coronary in a bar.)

Ken didn't make my list cuz he really wasn't my problem. But I got other stories...


Anonymous said...

I don't even know what to say. These people make Melvin look pretty normal (how is melvin by the way?).


Ratshag said...

Great googly moogly. You know some weird-ass people...

Grats on making it to the end of the world.

Dibley said...

and he graduated with a zillion degrees and marginal sanity. I credit my friendship:)